Tag Archives: pain
365 Project Day 288: Fighting to Stay Open
Posted on 16. Oct, 2011 by maryanne.
Heart in Shadow
Canon 5D Mark ll, 100 2.8 macro, 6.3 aperture, 1/125 shutter, 100 ISO. Alien B800 behind subject at 1/16 using 30 degree grid, Alien B800 used to left of subject for front lighting at 1/32 using 20 degree grid.
Compressed and under pressure, my heart feels as though a shadow has been cast over it. Is there an elephant standing on my chest? I feel like I cannot breathe.
This is how grief grips me in the month of October. I do not look for it, but it always seems to find me. Ten days from this one marks the anniversary of our baby’s death. I feel my heart curling into itself, trying to be so small it cannot feel the pain. I am fighting to stay open as I listen to this song, the words ringing right and true.
Compressed
I want to be present, to not allow the pain wash me away, to dissolve me. I feel it could. My chest hurts from not breathing, from holding back tears, from retracting my heart. It just hurts.
This is not who I am. Open and compassionate, full of life and love, this is who God made me to be. I feel lost all closed up like this. I have lost my footing in grief’s slippery slope downward.
Curling In
So bear with me. This is where I am. God is still here, and He will hold me until the storm passes. He will hold you too.
My heart, all of our hearts, ache for eternity, when all will be made right. Yes, all will be as it should be. Someday soon.
Revelation 21:3-5 ~” ‘I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone—all the first order of things gone.’ The Enthroned continued, ‘Look! I’m making everything new. Write it all down—each word dependable and accurate.’ ” (The Message Version)
All Things New
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365 Project Day 244: Hero
Posted on 01. Sep, 2011 by maryanne.
My Hero
Canon 5D Mark ll, 50 1.2L. 2.5 aperture, 1/640 shutter, 160 ISO
Today didn’t start at all the way I had planned. The night before I had prepared a list of things I needed to get done today. I laid it by my french press before I retired for the evening, knowing I would surely see it there in the morning. I never got to scratch one thing off. Upon waking I experienced intense stomach pain, sweat pouring down my temples. I continued my morning routine hoping it would resolve itself, eventually. Stomach pain is not new to me. I have been hospitalized with it in the past.
The pain did not let up, however. It only intensified. I began to cry, and surrendered myself to taking a pain pill. It had no effect. I wondered what to do. My sister and mom were both out of town and my girls were gone. Chris was at work. I was an hour into this when Johnny got up and asked me if I was okay. When he saw the pain I was in, he immediately drew me a hot bath and began try to take care of me. His concern and compassion were so comforting. I got into my bed, clinging to a heating pad, and he came in with Ellie, my little comforter puppy. (Chris says she represents the mercy of God in our dog trinity.) He then got a book and lay down beside me, all the while telling me it was going to be okay. It is amazing how kind words and a comforting presence can make a difficult situation doable. He talked to Chris on the phone and told him he would take me anywhere I needed to go. After a second pill, the pain began to subside a little and I called my doctor. He told me to come right in. Johnny took me and waited with me until Chris got there.
After a CT scan, my doctor was still unsure what caused this, but attributes it to exhaustion and stress. Hmmm, that could be it. I feel better tonight, but am still weak. I am so grateful for my son, who played the role of the hero today. He didn’t know he would be a superhero when he woke up this morning, but he was. I cannot convey how thankful my mother’s heart is to see compassion and care sprout in the heart of my son. That, and a relationship with God. What else does he need to go far in life? I think he is well on his way.
Grateful tonight.
Proverbs 11:25 ~ “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.”
Good Son
Handsome and Kind
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365 Project Day 241: Hope Shining
Posted on 30. Aug, 2011 by maryanne.
Shining In
Canon 5D Mark ll, 50 1.2L, 3.5 aperture, 1/100 shutter, 200 ISO
For all those that are walking the dark paths, the places of grief, sickness, pain and loneliness, I want to tell you something. I want to hold your face in my hands and assure you with all I know to be right and true that there is hope. There it is, coruscating, ready to warm the life back into your heart.
Just for you.
Just around the bend, its brilliance shines, to help you find your way. Do not lose heart. You are deeply, extravagantly loved by a Heavenly Father. Keep walking, and lift your eyes to Him who holds all things, including your very heart, in His hands. He is your light, your strength, your hope.
See the light glimmering there, in the corner of your eye? It is for you. You are loved.
Calling Your Name
Light Dawning
Psalm 112:4 ~ “Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous.”
Isaiah 61:1,3 ~ “ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners ,
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”.
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365 Project Day 217: Fenced Out
Posted on 06. Aug, 2011 by maryanne.
Between Me and the Glory
Canon 5D Mark ll, 50 1.2L, 7.1 aperture, 1/160 shutter, 100 ISO
I can see them as I pull off the road, their faces turned together in unity towards the sky. I can almost hear them giggling and chatting together, or is it singing? They look like friends, a community, all focused in the same direction. Ah, it is the sun they long for. They are in worship, the sunflowers. There are hundreds of them.
I want very much to photograph them, to see the light shining through their opaque petals as they reach for the heavens. I want to stand right in the middle of them and join in the song. They are just over there. My heart rushes ahead of me to capture them, as I search for a way into the field. Then, I see it. A fence. A boundary. It says, “Go away! “, its rusty edges scraping against my insides somehow. I stare at it in disbelief and disdain, locked out and away from the beauty I seek. I walk all around the edges, and the result is the same. I cannot get in. I am looking resistance in the face. The gauntlet has been thrown. What do I do now?
Fence Line
I have a choice to make. Will I accept this boundary or find a way in?
Sometimes it is hard to know the right decision. Sometimes I have to just accept the fences in my life, like the one that fell like a concrete wall when I lost my baby, separating me from a dream that was growing, living, dancing even, inside of me. I could not change it, or move it. When that wall fell, they had to come remove the remains from my being, my body still holding on, denying the truth of the loss. I had to accept that God is sovereign and all things are under His control. To know that He holds hearts, especially when they throb from the razor sharp edges of ragged fence lines, cut off from their dreams. Sunflowers in a field are one thing, but another sweet baby to hold and treasure? That is another glimpse of eternity all together. I finally found peace in accepting that boundary, as I took timid steps into trusting my Creator and Father again. The one true lover of my soul. I allowed Him to hold me and love me through the arms of my husband and others who so gently encouraged me back to life. He alone knows what I need, what is best, although I may never understand. He is still God and for that I am grateful.
Still, disappointment is never easy. Our hearts ache when we are separated from our dreams. We know it is not how it was meant to be. It is not in our original DNA. We inherited disappointment when we fell in the Garden that day. We all fell, not just Adam and Eve, and we found ourselves on the other side of the fence to glory.
Just Over There
This time, however, I believe I will fight for a way inside this fence. I have accepted the challenge. Adventure and beauty await.
I will see you on the other side, standing in the middle of the song.
Psalm 16:6 ~ “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”
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Bad Eggs
Posted on 05. May, 2010 by maryanne.
Recently I found nearly two cartons of eggs in my refrigerator that were past their expiration date. After having stomach issues with bad bacteria, I don’t play around with the possibility of bad food, as much as it pains my husband to throw food away. I told Katie we were going to throw them out and left the kitchen. When I returned a few moments later, she had a sharpie out, labeling them. She was marking them with the things she wanted to throw out of her life. I loved the idea and joined her. Soon after, Chris joined in the activity. Frankly, there weren’t enough eggs to symbolize all of these undesirables, but we hit the highlights including: fear, guilt, condemnation, anxiety and pain. You know, the big ones. Then we took them out back and threw them into the woods, listening for a splat as they hit the trees. (Many of mine were duds, as I am not much of an athlete).
I loved this activity. We all have things we don’t want in our lives, and every day we endeavor to “work out our salvation” (Philippians 2:12 NIV) as we allow God to redeem and heal the difficult places in our hearts. Knowing God does not mean that our lives are instantly transformed into pure bliss. It does mean that we do not have to go it alone, as we have an advocate in the creator of all things to partner with us. He heals and makes all things new as He walks with us and fills us with Himself. It is a process. Sometimes just knowing that makes life doable. We are in process, but in the hands of our Maker. ” Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who made us, and not we ourselves”.( Psalm 100:3 NAS). That takes the pressure off.
I think He stood there with us as we threw those bad eggs into the darkness. He may have thrown a few Himself. Pretty sure His made a splat.
Guess I need to go to the store now…
