365 Project Day 264: Perfume and Perfection

Canon 5D Mark ll, 70-200 2.8L, 185 mm focal length, 2.8 aperture, 1/160 shutter, 100 ISO.A 580 ex ll speedlight flash was used off camera in  a 24 inch square softbox

This series of photos was taken of my beautiful Annie last summer in Charleston, SC while I was working on project for a perfume company. While they are a departure from my typical “image of the day” for this project, the things I am learning concerning this season and this shoot are relevant to me today.

Until recently, I have not been able to really look at these images without feeling some level of angst, even though they are of my stunning Annie. They have represented failure to me. Yes, hard to believe. To look at her, standing gleaming in the sun, eyes as stormy and blue as the sea, how could I see anything but her? Her beauty and brilliance?

A large perfume company had found me through Flickr and hired me to do a shoot for their new line, and they wanted Annie as their model. It was incredible, really. I believed it was an opportunity only God could give, so I leapt into it with everything I had. We drove to Charleston, hired an amazing make-up and hair artist, (Miss Ashley Brook Perryman), found a place to stay, and shot on location at Seabrook Beach. I thought we nailed it. I put too much on the line.

Some things should never be put on the line.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my self-worth was part of the tender that was being exchanged. I simply cared too much about succeeding at this job. The client ended up not liking the images. I did not get the job, although I was somewhat compensated for my expenses. I was floored. I cried many tears, and lay in bed night after night wondering what I did wrong. I questioned God. It felt so personal. Why? What did I do wrong? I tried so hard.  I thought God was in this. I failed Annie, I failed my client. I failed.

Yes, I did. So?

Just because something doesn’t turn out the way you want it to does not mean God is not in it. My belief that my value was equated with what I did was on trial. Was I going to allow this to level me? The pain was deep, and very real. God was having His way with me, with my heart. I now believe He allowed this string of events to occur for my benefit. He was setting me free, pruning deep into beliefs that have ensnared me my whole life. I thought I was getting my big break. I was, but not the one I thought I was. God was setting me free.

I am learning I am not what I do. But more than that, since then, I am learning to more readily listen to my heart, and trust the God who dwells there. He has created things specifically for me to do, like honor and love Him through my work, but now I know He will only give me things that will be for my good. He cares about my wholeness. The job itself was a good job. It was my beliefs at the time that were all wrong. I believed that the job could speak value into my life, that it could say something important about me. Only God can do that. Once I learn this truth in the small things, perhaps He may give me bigger things to do. But if He does not, than I am still in His hands. He alone keeps me and holds my heart.

I hope I am on my way to understanding these things now. May my whole life be a song for His glory, an image of His beauty. I belong to Him and He may do with me what He wishes.

Psalm 31:14,15 ~” But I trust in you, LORD;  I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands; “