Musings

Waiting for the Light

July 30, 2012

Storm's End

I have written this post many times in my head in the past month and even started it once or twice. It is difficult to share my deepest vulnerabilities with anyone, much less the whole world. But here I am. Here is my heart.

I pray my journey will help someone else along the way.

Six summers ago I learned I was pregnant with our fourth child. I was 39. I was both surprised and ecstatic. Sixteen weeks later our baby boy Benjamin quietly left us to rest between the shoulders of God. It would be a gross understatement to say that I didn’t handle it well. What followed the loss of my sweet baby can only be described as a storm. A storm whose waves and torrents pulled me under and pinned me to the bottom of all that I knew. I wondered if I would ever see light or breath again. I now know that the cause of that storm was not just emotional pain, but also the steep drop in my hormones from losing a child at my age.  I began to experience panic attacks that caused me to fear for my life. I had not ever experienced anything like that before and hope to never know it again. The physicians that were overseeing me at that time introduced me to a drug that, along with a lot of prayer, brought peace to my tired frame. With the help of my friends and family, wonderful counseling and the cradling arms of my God, I was able to find my way back to the surface where the sunlight kissed my face again.

However,

six years later I am still trying to get free of that drug. Although it was necessary for that time, I am ready to move forward without it. I wish it were as easy to do as it is to type it here on this page. I have tried several times and failed. Three of those six years I have been on the lowest dose only once a day. After much prayer a couple months ago I decided to try again. Slowly. Or at least I thought so. After cutting the dose by one quarter I noticed I had a difficult time forming words, especially when I was under pressure on my job. However, I refused to give up and a week later I cut the pill another quarter. At one half my initial dose I began to experience heart palpitations and the sensation of electricity flowing through my body constantly. I was still experiencing a difficult time speaking and found myself apologizing with clients and friends often. “I’m so sorry,” I would say as I got names wrong or couldn’t remember something, but I couldn’t go on to explain why this was happening. I was embarrassed and felt incompetent, although I knew it wasn’t really me. I continued my schedule of cutting back a quarter of a pill for the next two weeks.

Within four days of finishing what I thought would be my last dose the withdrawals came on with a vengeance. I could not sleep at all, and felt as if I was slipping in and out of reality. I was genuinely afraid. I knew I had to go back up again. This time I went back up to half a pill. I felt defeated and frightened. Chris held me as I wept, whispering sweet prayers of deliverance and comfort over me.

After consulting with my doctor, I realized that I tried to wean off way too fast. He offered that it should take at least six months and that the symptoms I was experiencing were normal for this drug. I felt soothed and comforted by his words. I will continue to move forward and wait for the light. I know with God’s help I will be free of this medication, but I am going to try to give grace to myself and take it more slowly.

You may wonder why I am sharing such a vulnerable thing for all the world to see. The importance of authenticity runs through me as well as my art. If I shun that just to pretend all is well, I am the one who loses.  If you know me in my everyday life and have sensed that I am not myself, you are right. If I have been quiet and antisocial, it is not you, it is me. Better yet, it is this process of getting free. I am asking for grace and I covet your prayers as I journey to find peace and deliverance.

If you are going through something like this, I want to pray with you and hold your hand as we wait for the light. Please feel free to email me at maryannemorgan@mac.com.

Psalm 32:7 ~”You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Deliverance

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16 Comments

  • Reply Chelsea Patricia July 30, 2012 at 10:50 am

    You brought me to tears, Mary Anne. I wish there was some advice or help I could offer. I am praying for you, for sure!

  • Reply Jesse July 30, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Strong Oak Woman,

    I admire your honesty as much as your photographic art. Praying for you. You will see the end and be all the more beautiful. I am for you, and I know my whole family is as well.

    Love you,

    Jess

  • Reply Glenda July 30, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Praying for you Mary Anne. You have our support. You will get there because you know the one who gives you strength. I love you.

  • Reply Anne : ) July 30, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Thank you for sharing that Mary Anne! No one knows the deepest hurts and trials we have unless we share them I have some myself. The Lord brings me through all of them. I trust him for everything. i always pray for ” His Will and Not Mine” Hard to accept sometimes. I have been in a place where I have questioned the Lord ..” Why I am I going through this’ ? I have to believe it’s for his Glory and not mine. I pray for you Mary Anne, that the Lord will give you peace and strength, and healing .. So glad to have met you at 12 Stone. May the Lord Bless you with Joy and Happiness! : )) He is my Joy ! Here is a little prayer! Dear God thank you for this trial, I don’t know why I am going thorugh this right now, but I believe and trust, that you will bring me through this for your will and Glory Amen!

  • Reply Dinah July 30, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    champion  [cham-pee-uhn] Part of Speech: adjective

    Definition: best, excellent

    Synonyms: blue-ribbon, boss*, capital, chief, choice, cool, dandy, distinguished, first, greatest, head, illustrious, out of sight, out of this world, outstanding, premier, prime, principal, prize-winning, splendid, super, superior, tip top, top drawer, top-notch*, topflight, tops, unbeaten, undefeated, world class

    You do not have much farther to go! You will win this! Because you are a CHAMPION MaryAnne!

  • Reply Amber July 30, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Dear Sister,
    I am moved by your openness. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I will be praying for you.
    Love,
    Amber

  • Reply Mom July 30, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Mary Anne, I love you so much, I appreciate you and who you are. Your words moved me to tears. You know I am praying for you and we know our God hears. He will see you through this. You will know victory. Be strong in the LORD and in the power of His might. Thanks for your honesty.

  • Reply sarah July 30, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Bless you for your generous honesty and kindness. I know you will recover from this medication, with time and good support. I have no doubt of it at all. I am so very sorry for your terrible loss, and for all the little losses since then.

  • Reply Teri Hales July 30, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    Mary Anne, your honesty makes you such a treasure. I am so deeply sorry for the trials you have on your shoulders currently and you will definitely be in our family’s prayers. We know that God is mighty to save and will, in time, deliver you from this and you’ll emerge even more magnificent than you already are!

  • Reply jessemyne July 30, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    Hello Mary Anne, I have been hesitating to read your blogs because I always end up with tears in my eyes whenever I do because I’m always touched by your words and your pictures. I’m so sorry to hear about your trials and I know you’ll get better! It will happen and then you’ll look back upon it with wisdom about how it has made you grown and depend on God more.
    I don’t share this ever either, but 7 years ago, I sat at home and knitted for more than a month because the baby who was in me wasn’t doing well. And to try to keep the baby as long as I could, the doctor advised me to stay at home and try not to move too much. After more than 1.5 months of knitting, the doctor said that it couldn’t be kept any longer because it just wasn’t growing and had to be let go. It was a horrid time for me… I didn’t go through as much as you did but it definitely brought back memories. God bless and I hope your struggles will be over soon. =)

  • Reply keisha brown August 1, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    Oh Mary Anne, I am praying for you and thank you for trusting God enough to share with us all here in this quiet beautiful space.

    I have wrestled with panic attacks and anxiety my entire life. One of the reasons I was drawn to your blog was because your pictures somehow soothe those anxieties as I look at them and ponder your words.

    I am praying for you dear sister and alongside you in the fight in remembering his precious promises and clinging to that future grace.

    Blessings beautiful Mary Anne.

  • Reply Annie bug August 4, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I knew you would have fans 🙂

    Jesse got it exactly right: strong oak woman. You are a pillar that others around you look to to be reminded of the faithful righteousness of your God. So courageous to fight to be off the drug, to write your struggles for others to see, and to ofer your hand of help to those who also are fighting. I love you and can’t wait to see you soon.

  • Reply genevieve August 9, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    beautiful, honest, and courageous.

  • Reply Amy Bell August 20, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Mary Anne,

    You are an amazingly gorgeous creation inspired by God’s own image.

    I love your vulnerability, your openness, your honesty, your truth and your heart. You are so courageous, and so strong! You will overcome this, I promise you that! Just like every hurdle you’ve encountered thus far, you will rise above it, leap over it, and leave it behind. You may not know when or where your deliverance will happen, but know your Rescuer is near and He has you in the palm of His hands.

    I LOVE you for not only sharing your blessings, joys, and triumphs, but also the good, bad, and the ugly of your life’s journey, for it is the entire picture that makes you so beautifully YOU.

    You are in my heart, my prayers, and you are LOVED!
    Amy

  • Reply jill k August 21, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Thank you dear for all this beauty, this surrender to the Lord shared so trustingly, humbly, full of the fragrance of his goodness. Oh his love for you! How sweet to hear how he is delivering you and how good to hear you trusting that he will complete his deliverance….. and what a joy to hear your story in the process.

    Thank you too for the amazing beauty you shared in your post on Scarlet.

    May our Savior be praised…. and continue to be your Rock and Comfort and Peace.

  • Reply robyn rochelle August 30, 2012 at 1:15 am

    I thought “I like her – I like her a lot!”
    Now, I know I like you – I like you a lot!
    Honesty – brokenness – struggle – weakness – giftedness is always best when paired with the understanding we are human. Then, we can allow God to be who He is supposed to be in our lives…
    GOD!
    He wraps you in His arms and receives you. He wraps your lost-to-you-found-to-God baby in His eternity.
    He is the Everything that I encourage you to reach out and find His reaching out to you.
    Cyber Hugs sent from Germany.
    May those of us that struggle with our humanity in whatever way we struggle stay the course and come to the end and enter eternity as overcomers.

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