Musings

This may take awhile…

May 10, 2010

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Mondays are hard for me. They have been for sometime now.  With our family being so involved in ministry at church on Sundays, it seems we never really get a rest before we head right back into another week. Sometimes I feel so down I have to find ways to rest and tell myself it is okay.  Today, in search of a reprieve from the tension, I walked outside and found this ladybug emerging from her larval stage, or cocoon. I have never seen this before. I went inside and got my macro lens, and for the next several minutes watched her struggle to be free of her previous state. I knew I could not help her or I would somehow hinder the process, and possibly injure her.

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As she struggled, I thought about my own life and how I am always in the process of becoming someone better, someone more free, someone more alive. At least that is my hope. It has been a hard but life changing year for me. I sent a daughter to Spain, and another one to Africa. I am learning to let go of and give my children to God. I began to discover my own heart for the first time in many ways, including some of the following:

  • I love colors I didn’t know I loved! (I painted my kitchen red and my bedroom a spicy orange).
  • I like being organized and will accept help in getting more that way.
  • I want and now have canvases of my own family on my walls.
  • I LOVE shoes!
  • I realized that I need laughter, hot tea, good coffee, (Chris bought me a french press for mother’s day!), and to read books just because.
  • I have learned to say no to things that kill my soul, like taking every job that is offered to me, and processing for hours every night.
  • I need friendships and am willing to build them.
  • I love and need to dance as much as possible.
  • I can’t help but fall in love with the beautiful light I see clinging to the profiles of my children as the day progresses into night.
  • I am married to the man God made just for me.

That is just a sample of my year and what I am learning about my own heart. It is a good journey, and worth the struggle.

As you can see in the second picture, there was a moment when she looked right into my lens. She looked panicked. She couldn’t see what I could see, and that is the myriad of empty cocoons on the leaves around her of those who had successfully made the journey, and that she was made for this.  And so am I.  Reminds me of Sara Groves’ song “From This One Place”

Here are the words to the chorus:

From this one place I can’t see very far

From this one moment I’m square in the dark.

These are the things I will trust in my heart. You can see something else. Something else.


Enjoy your Monday!

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7 Comments

  • Reply Karyn May 10, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    oh, kindred spirit Mary Anne. What a wonderful post – and I JUST played that song. I’m having a Sara Groves day over here too. =) Isn’t taking the time and learning new things about yourself so wonderful?!! I love trying new foods that I never thought I would like. It’s such a wonderful feeling knowing that we’re not ‘stuck’, we can always keep changing and growing. Bless you and your macro vision. =)

  • Reply raye May 10, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    loved this post – loved the words and the photos are amazing! I just painted my my bathroom chartreuse on a whim and love it!!

  • Reply cmo May 10, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    A Kingdom metaphor sitting right under our noses . . . you and your camera uncovering hopeful perspectives. I’m glad I made the list – you are most certainly on mine.
    cmo

  • Reply Amy J May 10, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    You are most beautiful in your talent of photography but your words touched my heart! Thats exactly how I feel. Like that panicked ladybug coming out of the cocoon and waiting for that shedding of old and the wonder of the new. I can’t wait to see what God is going to do but I have to admit, the panic is there sometimes. Only it will make the reward all the better! Thank you for sharing this – it really means so much to me! =)

  • Reply Christy Martin May 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Gee-Whiz! I’ve told you this a million times before, but your thoughts and words make your nature photography EVEN more amazing. And I’m already your biggest fan! I LOVE logging and finding these kind of posts!

  • Reply Annie bird May 11, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Dang, mom. You are such a great writer. I love reading your thoughts.

    The light that clings to the profiles of your children is best captured by you, I think, even if we sometimes roll our eyes. I love you.

  • Reply Kirsten Nelson June 4, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    love this post and picture Mary Anne!

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