Musings

Mama

May 7, 2016
Lifted

Lifted

Mama

This is my favorite photo of us. I wish I had one that showed your face at this moment but I know that mine was only mirroring yours. You were smiling, full of joy.

This is what it felt like to be yours. Lifted, adored, cherished.

It’s my first Mothers Day with you on the other side of the veil. I can see you though. You are smiling, dressed to the nines with your broad-brimmed hat walking over the bridge to me at church. Somehow you will always be wearing yellow in my mind. So cheerful and  alive- that was you.

I talk to you everyday, as if you never left. I don’t know if you hear me, but I know Jesus does. I often ask him to tell you things for me. I know you are so happy in his presence.

Beauty

Beauty

I know I am who I am because you believed in me. I know I am still coasting on all of your prayers and words of encouragement. They encircle me daily still.

I miss your voice now. I can hear it in my head — the way you said my name like no one else ever did. It was more like a song than a name when you said it– Ma-ry, the first syllable lilting into the next. You said it that way when you called me in for supper, when you were trying to find me in a crowded room, when you walked into my back door last spring. Oh my heart aches for it now.

I know it is one of the first things I will hear when I get to heaven. ” Ma-ry”. You will be there singing my name.

Loved

Loved

I laugh when I look at this picture on my wedding day- only because you hated that wallpaper in the background. You remember? You didn’t want it in my wedding photos. You squeezed me tight anyway. And then you let me go, even though I know it broke your heart.

Mom? I feel I am failing at so much. You were the voice that always loved — always believed when I couldn’t believe in myself. Yesterday as I was trying to clean the top of my dresser I broke down because I am such a mess and the only person who loved me unconditionally was you. You didn’t care that I was messy– you actually loved it.

Mama, when you died my world was caving in. I could see it happening but Jesus stood there in the middle and told me some things. He said that all the things I loved about you could still be found in him- your nurturing spirit, your belief, your unconditional love, the way you came in to rescue when I needed things, your comforting love. He said he had all those things for me still and they were in him. He made you and he made you the mother you were to me.

He is still mothering me the way you would have. I have some stories to tell you about that, Mom.

I love you so, Mama.  Happy Mothers Day. I know you were will be dressed in your finest and you will be celebrating with your mother and your grandmother. Until I get to join you all there, I will do my best to honor your life with my own.

 

Love,

Mary

 

 

 

 

You Might Also Like

10 Comments

  • Reply Patricia May 7, 2016 at 10:00 am

    Mary Anne, tears, tears and more tears. You hit the nail on so many levels with me and my love for my own mama. Can that be possible? We are loved by a God who knows the hurt and yearning for more years, with the only person that knew us like no other. May your days continue to reflect that shining light in all you say, write and do..thank you thank you..Happy Mother’s Day my kindred sister. ((Hugs)) Patricia

  • Reply Patricia May 7, 2016 at 10:10 am

    Mary Anne,.. tears, tears and more tears, you hit the nail on so many levels with me and my love for my own mama. Can that be possible? We are loved by a God who knows the hurt, and also our yearning for more years. More years spent with the only person who really knew us like no other. May your days continue to reflect that shining light in all you say, write and do…thank you thank you…happy Mother’s Day my kindred sister. ((Hugs)) Patricia

  • Reply Julie Garmon May 7, 2016 at 11:25 am

    I held my breath while I read this. Mary Anne, it’s absolutely gorgeous. So much heart here, I’m tearing up.

  • Reply Julie J May 7, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    Mary Anne, I cried all the way through this. I’m so sad for your sadness and am reminded that Jesus wept… He wept for our pain, that death came into the world at all. He wept because He loves us so. I pray that you will hear Him singing over you this Mother’s Day — singing your precious name along with all of the words to the song of your life — the song He sings only to you.

  • Reply Janet May 7, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    God Bless you and a big hug to you. Jesus is carrying you and you know it. Rest in that.

  • Reply Beverly Hudson May 8, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Stunning.
    Thank you.
    Beverly

  • Reply Claire Willis May 8, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    Dear Mrs. Mary Anne,
    I have prayed for you several times today. I cannot imagine how hard it is, and thank you for sharing your heart. I am proud of you!
    -Claire

  • Reply ginny May 9, 2016 at 8:56 am

    Zephaniah 3:17New Living Translation (NLT)

    For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
    He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

    Zephaniah 3:17New English Translation (NET Bible)

    The Lord your God is in your midst;
    he is a warrior who can deliver.
    He takes great delight in you;
    he renews you by his love;
    he shouts for joy over you.”
    Zephaniah 3:17The Message (MSG)

    Jerusalem will be told:
    “Don’t be afraid.
    Dear Zion,
    don’t despair.
    Your God is present among you,
    a strong Warrior there to save you.
    Happy to have you back, he’ll calm you with his love
    and delight you with his songs.

  • Reply Claire Willis June 12, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    Dear Mrs. Mary Anne,
    I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you every day. I hope that you are doing well. Stay strong!
    John 16:33
    -Claire Willis

  • Leave a Reply