365 project 2016

Day 5 Confetti

January 5, 2016
Joy

Joy

When it comes to grief, some days are just more difficult to navigate. I woke up with a heaviness draped around me like a blanket. I wasn’t feeling well anyway and frankly, I wanted my mama.

I miss her chirpy voice. I miss how glad she always was to hear mine. I don’t think I will ever delete the icon on my favorites list that says mom’s cell. I want so badly for her to be on the other end of the line. I can still hear the way she would enter my home. “Mary? Are you here?” Yes mom, I am here. I wish you were. But I don’t. I get it and I am so grateful- she is with the Lord. She is free from pain. I wouldn’t take those things from her now.

I just miss her. My heart feels tired and I am finding out the importance of being gracious and kind to myself. It’s okay that it is hard. She was/is my mama and now she is gone. There is no exact recipe for the grieving process. I must just daily give my heart to the Lord as it is and ask him to meet me.

So, with these things in mind, I asked my Annie if she would help me with a photo for today. I needed some joy. She sweetly agreed and we headed outside into the cold with a bag of confetti. We headed to the top of the hill chasing the last sunlight of the day. I filled her hands with tiny hearts and then she joyfully blew them out into the world. Moments later, the ground around our feet was covered in little bitty hearts. We both smiled at the sight of it.

Sometimes you have to make your own party.

When we returned home to our warm kitchen she hugged me and told me it was okay to cry. Sometimes you just need permission? I don’t know why. Crying is also a way to lighten the heart.

All in all, I am grateful.

God is near and kind. Daughters are a gift and there is love scattered at my feet.

Joy.

Psalm 126:6 ~”Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.”

 

 

 

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12 Comments

  • Reply Jonna January 5, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    So so sweet! Thank you!

  • Reply Grace January 5, 2016 at 9:36 pm

    Mary,
    These 5 days have been your best work. You don’t need to write a lot; the pictures are perfect. I’ve loved every one. And your mother would too. We all miss that silky warm voice that was always delighted to hear from the many many of us who called her an amazing woman.

    • Reply maryanne January 6, 2016 at 11:57 am

      Thank you Grace. It is comforting to know others knew how wonderful she was.

  • Reply Diana Trautwein January 5, 2016 at 10:08 pm

    So hard. And yet, from it, you create such beauty. I miss my mama, too. Sometimes fiercely — yet she is still physically here. She has been slowly slipping away to the strange fog of dementia and now doesn’t remember being a mom, to me or to my brothers. She is still conversational, still loves small outings, still makes others feel special. But that sharp mind? That grand sense of humor? Those wondering questions? They’ve been gone for several years now. We are in the midst of year 7 or 8 of this hard process and I haven’t a clue how much longer it will continue. I still think sudden, unexpected death is the hardest — so be good to yourself, Mary Anne. This takes time, tears, memory-sharing, sleep and more tears. You will always miss her. It just won’t hurt quite so much in a couple of years.

    • Reply maryanne January 6, 2016 at 11:56 am

      Diana, your journey sounds so painful. I am so very sorry. I pray the Lord would comfort you in the painful process. Bless you.

  • Reply Heather January 5, 2016 at 10:14 pm

    Dear Mary, Your words about your sweet mama touched me so deeply. Reading your blogs make me want to know you. I too have experienced loss and on some days, joy is harder to find. What a beautiful idea! Praise God for your beautiful photography and poetic words. You are a gift! Thank you !

    • Reply maryanne January 6, 2016 at 11:57 am

      Thank you Heather! I would love to know you as well.

  • Reply Jenny January 6, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    The beauty you’ve captured in both your photos and words has encouraged me so. I lost my mama 10 years ago and I miss her so, especially this time of year. Thank you for taking your sorrow and pouring it into something so beautiful to share with all of us. May God comfort you and grant you peace..

  • Reply Patricia @ Pollywog Creek January 6, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    “I must just daily give my heart to the Lord as it is and ask him to meet me.” Yes. Truth for all of us, Mary Anne. Thank you. xox

  • Reply Only the Good Stuff: Multivitamins for Your Weekend [01.09.16] | A Holy Experience January 9, 2016 at 10:15 am

    […] …sometimes you have to make your own party…beautiful, tender thoughts #NoFearNewYear […]

  • Reply Pamela Gordon January 9, 2016 at 11:38 am

    I am very sorry for the loss of your dear mother. I lost my brother to cancer in November of 2014. I found his phone number on my new cell phone after Christmas just passed and decided it was time to delete it. I know he’s in heaven with Jesus and I will talk to him again some day. How sweet that your daughter helped you grieve in that moment. Blessings.

  • Reply Joyce January 9, 2016 at 11:44 am

    Beautiful, thank you for sharing these words of encouragement from your hurting heart. My brother passed away November 19th, 2015 and then the holidays were upon us, I am just now realising I had to give myself permission to grieve, to cry. It’s been hard but giving myself permission to feel what I am feeling has been helpful. May our Father, who is the God of all comfort, comfort your heart.

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