Archive for 'Personal'
Dont ask for just a few
Posted on 28. Jul, 2010 by maryanne.
Recently I acquired all of these beautiful colored bottles for an upcoming shoot I am setting up. When I saw them sitting on the table together like this, I heard the line above in my head. “Don’t ask for just a few”. It is part of a story in scripture in 2Kings chapter 4 where a desperate woman approached the prophet Elisha and begged him for help. She was widowed and in debt, and the creditors were coming to take her sons away as payment. Pretty traumatic.
Elisha answers her plea with a strange question. “ Tell me, what do you have in your house?” She explains that she has nothing, except for a little oil. That was enough for Elijah. He then instructed her to go and ask her neighbors for empty jars. “Don’t ask for just a few”, he adds imperatively. She is then instructed to shut the door behind her and begin pouring her oil into the jars, and keep pouring until all the jars are full. The oil flowed until the vessels were gone. When she was done, she had enough oil to pay her debtors and then live off the rest. I wonder if she had wished she had asked for more. We tend to limit God by what we think we can have, rather than what we think He can give.
Thank God, I am not widowed or in jeopardy of creditors taking my children as payment, but I can relate to this business of collecting vessels to be filled with God’s provision, especially with provision that He has already given, like the widow’s small portion of oil. (What do you have in your house? I know I have photography for one.)
These vessels, these glass bottles, somehow represent that beautiful picture to me. God is always about filling our containers with His blessings, His glory. It is up to us to bring the cup. He is the drink, the oil, the blessing that we need.
Making time for Him is like bringing Him a colored bottle to fill. Holding it up to Him, empty and shining in His light, we wait for Him.
“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.” Psalm 37:7. Sigh. That scripture is a constant reminder for me these days. He is the filler. We are the vessel. The brightly colored bottle longing to be filled with His glory.
So, in an effort to make the truths I was feeling seem more tangible, I went out to find the glory to fill my bottles. The Zinnias were happy to help. I think they were waiting for the opportunity.
When you get your vessels, don’t ask for just a few. I mean, how much do you want?
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It’s Okay to be Beautiful
Posted on 25. Jul, 2010 by maryanne.
I tell her she is beautiful, and ask her to feel it from within. That is where it is. Inside. The glory God has given her as a woman. I turn my head and and adjust the backdrop that will not cooperate with me. I fluff the chiffon and tape up the velvet.
When I return there is a small but valuable tear sliding down her luminous cheek. I pause and frown. “What is it honey?” I ask. But I already know. I know because I feel it too, as has many if not most women on the planet. We don’t believe it. We don’t embrace it. We’re beautiful, and we don’t know it. She stutters to try to explain, and and I hold her head in my hands and pray for her and speak words of blessing. This is easy because she is mine. She is my Katie. I tell her who she is, who God says she is, and that it is okay to be beautiful. We don’t have to be afraid of it. It is our glory as women. It is our gift. Our softness, our inner passion. Our resolve to love.
We change the music and we laugh. I see her shining now. My Katie. It is okay to be beautiful. It is how God made you.
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celebrating love
Posted on 11. Jul, 2010 by maryanne.
Last week Chris and I celebrated 23 years together as husband and wife. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. I can always count our years together by our eldest daughter’s age as she is one year younger than we are married. We got her as a surprise from our Father God. We were not planning on babies for a while. Chris didn’t have a steady job and we had no health insurance. I was planning on finishing college and he was going to school for his Masters of Divinity. God of course, had His own plans, and I am so thankful. I had moved away from most of my family. I was 21 and pregnant and newly married. Yes, I was afraid and bewildered. My pastor’s wife told me something at the time I have never forgotten. She told me that “God never orders anything He can’t pay for.” This and her calm resolve brought me peace and I rested in that truth on more than one occasion. The rest, you might say, is history. We got out beautiful curly haired Katie, then our Annie, and then our John. Later, at 40, I was blessed with another surprise. I was pregnant with my fifth (the fourth lost in miscarriage much earlier) child. We ended up losing him at 16 weeks gestation. We named him Benjamin and he is forever a Morgan child.
But alas, I digress from my original story of Chris and me. We met at my sister Liza’s wedding, having been not-so-secretly set up by Liza and her husband and Chris’s best friend, Mickey. I met him the night before the wedding, July 1, 1986. We were married just a year later on July the 3rd 1987. Katie was born April of 1988. God moves quickly sometimes.
There was so much to love about this man. He was a modern day Huck Finn, so simple and yet so profound in his thinking. I found peace in those beautiful blues. I loved to hear him sing and play his guitar. He was like no one I had ever known. We got lost in conversation, talking about all things spiritual, God and who He is, about Love and what it looked like (not realizing I was falling right into it), and about anything that we felt had real value. We laughed often. Our senses of humor aligning so perfectly. We walked on railroad tracks, in the rain, and through paths in the woods not knowing where we would end up. It was an adventure. He had me and I didn’t even know it. Once again, I had my own plans, but God’s plan prevailed. So thankful.
So on this eve of our anniversary, we once again had a spontaneous adventure together. We decided to go somewhere new and eat some sushi together at Ra Sushi in Atlanta. A wonderful choice! We sat outside in the evening air and enjoyed conversation and delicious food together. A dragonfly decide to join us.
Later we went exploring, just like in the our old days. We walked the streets of Atlanta and went to Piedmont Park, stopping for some refreshment at Willy’s Mexicana Grill. The light faded into the night and the city lights began to glow. We both felt free, talking about things that mattered and laughing about things that didn’t.
On the way home, he took me to my favorite coffee place, Octane Coffee. He doesn’t drink coffee. He loves me. My cappuccino had a heart in it when I got to the bottom. “How fitting”, I thought to myself and made him hold the cup for me until I got the shot I wanted.
No matter what, my heart is his. I gave it to him 23 years ago.
Our last adventure of the night was to go for a midnight swim in our pool. We lit the twinkly lights and set up candles and torches around the pool and played some of our favorite music. I got in the pool with my camera for some of the shots, and he was patient with my photojournalistic tendencies. Then we danced in water. We didn’t talk for a long time. The cicadas sang their song. It was a good night to be married for 23 years.
His eyes are still just as blue. I still find peace there. Now that our kids are nearly grown, I hope we continue our adventures together, laughing and talking, and kissing, and dancing. He is my love.
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On asking and wishing
Posted on 07. Jul, 2010 by maryanne.
This is from a piece of artwork that was on the wall where we stayed in Colorado last week. It stopped me in my tracks on more than one occasion. I am familiar with this verse from Matthew 7: 7-8. Too familiar, I think. Some truths are spoken or read so many times that we forget their validity and value. As I pondered this idea of asking, I began to try to ask God for things in my own life. After a few words, I stalled out. “Father, will you …?”, and then silence. My heart grew quiet and I began to question my motives. Religious voices moved in. Thoughts of what I “should” ask for trumped the gentle voice of my spirit. I quickly moved on to something else, knowing I would have to come back to this.
That very same day, in our explorations of a nearby resort, we came upon a fountain. Chris smiled at me and handed me a coin. “Make a wish”. I took the coin, not even thinking about it and faced the pool. ” I wish…”, and again, nothing. The waters in my own heart too murky to know what to ask for. I immediately connected it to the moment in front of the scripture on the wall earlier in the day. This asking/wishing thing was getting much more complicated than it should have been. I could not merely toss in a coin and breathe out desires at the same time. It seemed too much was at stake.
I think. Hmm, I think. ( too much). God cares for our hearts, our desires. We however, are in the business of trying to please Him. How much joy does it bring us to give to our own children? What if one of my kids came up to me and said, “Mom, I really would like some lunch, but I realize you are so busy and that bread costs a lot, and there are so many people in the earth that are hungry. So Mom, could we forget my original question and sit and pray for those who are hungry?” Kind of ridiculous. My heart would leap at being able to meet a need or a desire of one of my kids. They don’t have to think through it for me first. I am the mom. Yet, we do this to God all the time. We steal His pleasure by being over-religious. We decide for Him what is acceptable for us to have, rather than just throwing it out there. Why?
- Asking requires risk. What if we put it out there and God tells us no? What if we reveal our hearts and God ignores us? What if we search our hearts and don’t find anything worthwhile there?
- Asking requires that we know our own hearts. Most of us don’t know what we really want. This requires time. Time alone with God, the Holy Spirit who searches and knows the hearts of us all. We have to allow the silence to reveal the desires that move through the hallways of our inmost being. I believe God places those desires there like hidden treasure, just so He can leap at the chance to meet them when we surrender them up to His Holy Hands. He is our greatest advocate and lover of our souls.
- Asking requires us to relinquish control. When we choose to let go of the reigns of our lives and ask God for help, joy, relief, that new pair of shoes or whatever it is our hearts desire, we admit that we cannot do it alone. We admit that only He can satisfy us. That He will bring rest to our restlessness and discontent if we risk it all and breathe out our inquiries, and toss the coin.
“You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” ~ Psalm 16:11
Tossing my coin soon…
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Grateful
Posted on 25. Jun, 2010 by maryanne.
This is the view from our balcony this week in Colorado. We are on a family vacation this week. One that I have looked forward to for some time. I have needed the rest so badly. When we first got to our location, my heart fell silent. I couldn’t believe both the extravagance and the generosity of the people who are allowing us to stay in their home. It is, hands down, the most beautiful place I have ever stayed in my whole life.
All I could feel was gratitude. I was so thankful to my Father in Heaven who seems to take delight in surprising me with His never ending goodness. Thankful for our friends who so lavishly gifted us with this week in such a beautiful home. No detail has been left unattended to.
Here is an excerpt from my journal that I wrote after awaking the morning after our arrival.
“That feeling you get as a tear begins to form in your heart and move it’s way from the intangible to the visible – is beautiful and I do not resist it. I embrace it. Yes, I will weep and I don’t have to ask why. Just – cry. It makes me feel alive. I am inside myself- I am living my life and not just carrying the lives of those around me. I am so grateful. A single tear reminds me of all these things. So thankful. I don’t have to figure it all out. I just have to respond and surrender.
When I look at the extravagance of this house, and then the mountains, this blue blue sky, I pause to think that God is so much bigger than any way I could possibly imagine Him to be. I could hardly speak when I got here yesterday. My mind was shut down by the overwhelming beauty, but my heart was saying “yes”. Just “yes”. Isn’t it like God to think of every detail- like when He built the temple- every measurement well thought out, to build something so glorious and extravagant. And then, to give it freely to us, who couldn’t possibly conceive all He had done. ( Jesus eventually represented the temple, also freely given.)
‘ Such things are too wonderful for me, to lofty to attain.’~ Psalm 139:6. But we still say ‘yes’. We say ‘yes’ and ‘Thank You’.”
Enjoy some of the photos I have taken so far of this glorious place. Colorado.
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See there was this storm, and i have these kids…
Posted on 17. Jun, 2010 by maryanne.
It has been a week of have to’s. You know what I mean, doing all the things you have to do. I love my job, but I desire time and space to photograph and create just for fun, where there is no pressure. This is one of those moments. Shortly after a client left the house the other day, a storm blew up. A big one. I knew at the very least that I was going to to sit on the front porch and watch it blow in. I wanted the winds to blow all the way through my soul, and sweep away the stress of trying to get everything just right. I was headed that way when I saw my daughter Katie in the hallway. “Let’s go out and shoot in the storm!” I blurted out. Katie is such a good sport. She agreed, and out we went. Moments later, Johnny was out there with us, holding the light and then getting in a couple himself. It felt so wonderful, out there with the wind, my camera, my kids (and one Alien Bee 800 with a 30 degree grid spot). I will get Annie in on it next time. 
So fun! Here are the results.
May you have a surprise storm in your life this week. The refreshing kind.
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Favorite Photo of the week 8
Posted on 09. Jun, 2010 by maryanne.
Had to choose this for my favorite photo this week. Meet Indiana, aka Indiana Appleseed, Independent Sunshine, or just Indie. She will answer to them all. We got her shortly after my sweet Taylor of 12 years died. Taylor was an English Springer Spaniel and dearly loved by the family. I knew we could not replace her, but we wanted another dog, and our Golden Retriever Cowboy was lonely. We found Indie advertised online by a local homeschool family. She was the last available female. I loved her immediately. As you can tell, she is very smart, and sometimes we think she can look into our souls with those eyes. She is so much fun. She had a litter of puppies in her first year, and many of our friends benefitted! We get to keep up on their progress in their new families, and they are also dearly loved. Our other puppy, Ellie, was the runt of the litter. She “wears the pants” as Johnny so aptly puts it. Demure looking, she really runs the show, as most little dogs do.:)
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Coming together
Posted on 09. Jun, 2010 by maryanne.
So, in my last post, I got brave and asked opinions of anyone who read my blog to help me think of ideas for the corner cabinet in my den. (See post below). Well, I wasn’t sure if I would get any responses, ( or if anyone reads my blog) but I did get one very good idea. My friend Cindi Palma had a great idea about what to do with the books beside the corner cabinet. She suggested color coordinating them. I loved this idea! She also suggested some original art in the corner piece. I had a stained glass window that my sister Dinah made for me ( she is extremely gifted!) that fit perfectly in the spot. Chris and I put our heads together and figured out how to light it and mount it. It was an all afternoon affair, but we kinda did it. It is an experiment, but I think I like it!
I am currently working on updating the canvas for over the sofa, something maybe a little more colorful and modern looking.The bookcases are also still in process. It all started with that wonderful red sofa and love seat. Oh, and I also included a photo of my favorite throw ever. I found it at Pottery Barn on clearance. They had them at Christmas and I wanted one then, but they were more than I wanted to pay. The timing and color couldn’t be better! It is hand knit and so wonderfully full of texture and softness. I love to curl up in it in my new room while I drink my coffee and journal in the mornings. Very very good.
Still learning what I love. What do you love? I would love to know!
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Corner Space Help!
Posted on 05. Jun, 2010 by maryanne.
When we built our house in 1999, we had this bookshelf built with the corner space created for a tv screen. We never put one there. We had a nice family area in the basement and decided we wanted that to be our media room. Ten years later, we still have no tv in that space. I don’t want one in this room, and I have tried everything I can think of to fill the space, but nothing looks good there. I was motivated to try again when we got a new furniture last week. The space is 29 inches wide and 36 inches high, but the back of the space is very deep and widens it goes back. I would love some sort of creative lighting or color in there, but nothing seems to fit just right. Anyone have suggestions on what to do with this space? I want to do something simple but creative, and with some light! Here are is a closer picture of the same space. The hole in the back leads to an electrical outlet in the bottom. I would also like to get more creative ( and less cluttered) with my bookshelf. ( Maybe a little Pottery Barn-ish with some baskets?) Would love to hear any suggestions!
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Weary
Posted on 28. May, 2010 by maryanne.
To say that it has been a rough week seems ridiculous to me. Words like “rough” or “difficult” pale in comparison to the grief and pain we have witnessed and felt in this past 10 days.
Twelve days ago I saw a status update by chance on Facebook that our dear friends who were in Maine on vacation needed prayer as their 18 year old daughter was missing while on a kayaking trip with a friend. I don’t check Facebook that often these days, but I was so glad I did. We immediately started to pray and make phone calls to get more details. It was not good. Irina McEntee and Carissa Ireland had left that Sunday afternoon (May 16th) for a short afternoon kayak/adventure to a nearby island and were supposed to return several hours later. Irina was a trained kayaker and had done this very trip so many times. When they did not come home as planned, Irina’s parents called the coastguard. After searching all night, they found the girls the next morning, still in their life jackets several miles from their original destination. They could not be resuscitated. The agony of hearing the news trickling in over those hours was so difficult to bear. We hoped and prayed until we heard the final the reports, still unwilling to believe. I could not speak for hours, and still find it hard to put words to my feelings. My kids were also in shock.
What makes this story even more unbearable is that Irina’s brother Oleg,16, died in a tragic accident just the spring before. How much can these parents endure? My heart has been overrun with shock and pain and just the weight that grief brings, especially over the loss of a child. No one can make sense of it, so we will not try. We will love, though. We will love and be present for our friends. We will pray through the hours of the night. We will carry their burdens as our own. It is our honor.
The photo above was taken after Irina’s Life Celebration Service. That is what her parents called it, and that is what it was. Several came to Christ at her service as they gave an invitation at the conclusion of it. She loved her Jesus, and that was apparent in her life and in her death, as many spoke of this young woman’s quiet conviction to follow God, and her beautiful and bright smile.
My daughter Annie had the honor of speaking at the service, and I would like to include an excerpt here of her beautiful words:
“Images keep coming back to me—the coast in front of the Peaks Island house, grey water crashing into grey rocks, and the green of summer filling up the islands. Irina in long shorts and a red t-shirt, greeting the ocean with wide-thrust arms. Walking the shores in bare feet, she and my brother and Oleg leaping ahead of me to collect the wildly bright orange and yellow buoys that lobstermen had lost. It seems like a dream now—now that she and Oleg are both gone. I can’t get my head around it. I keep seeing her face cracking into that familiar bright smile in my mind—the smile that was like watching the sun leap up over the horizon at dawn—nothing at first, and then a burst of light.
And that was Irina, that was the way her life became.
I remember telling her more than once that God adored her—that you could see it all over her, almost glowing. To me, it always seemed so clear that he had pulled her from a very dark place to show her His love, to give her a life brimming with it. Hers, more than anyone I have ever known, is the story of redemption, of God’s heart for us.”
Her words sank deeply into our minds as we saw Irina through Annie’s eyes, and through God’s.
I twittered my grief often this week.
here are a few of my own thoughts written in fragments as I could not say much more:
~Heart broken May 17th
~One of the hardest and saddest days for so many today. The McEntees will need much prayer as the days continue. May 17th
~pictures from Maine on my screen saver today. Makes the sadness deeper. Not fair how life just treks on in the face of tragedy. May 18th
~tragedy makes me feel so small, and yet I sense the largeness of my God. He is near, and the protector of the broken-hearted May 21st
~ It’s okay to ask why. Even Jesus asked why when He was on the Cross. May 22
~Loving and supporting friends in deep grief is such a great honor. May 22
~Hate this stage of grief. The numbness, the burden, the elusiveness of my own heart. May 22
~Wavering between numbness and deep sorrow. I prefer the sorrow. Numbness doesn’t help anyone. May 24
~It’s okay to cry, yes even imperative that we do. Those we love are worthy of our tears, the visible reminder that our hearts ache for them. May 26th
I posted my daughter Katie’s photograph above, because it symbolizes what grief feels like. So exhausting. She could not keep her eyes open after the service. We love our friends so much, and we know they are being carried by their Saviour, who knows Himself the burden and pain of grief. Even God knows what it is like to lose a child, and then, ( praise Him!) have that child returned to Him in resurrection. That is our hope, our lifeline.
So thankful now for the truth and life that we can find in His word:
“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13
“For the Lord is close the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit”~ Psalm 34:18
I cannot conclude this entry without a few more thoughts, although I know it is already quite lengthy.
Nearly five years ago on October 26th, 2005 I lost a child of my own. He was still in my womb and I was 16 weeks pregnant. We named him Benjamin David Morgan.
I will never forget the tragedy of that day or that season, and I will never forget him, as I already loved him dearly, like only a mother (or father) can. Even as I write these words, my heart feels compressed, still needing air and healing in those painful places. I bring this up for a couple reasons. First of all, to be transparent about my own journey, so that I can live my life fully alive. Secondly, as I experienced life with the McEntees this week, I remembered parts of my own journey that were so important for my healing.
After the loss of my child, I went through some depression, and was afraid to be alone. My sweet Chris helped me set up a schedule with people I loved and trusted to come and “sit” with me. When our counselor first suggested it, I was appalled. I felt embarrassed at the thought of having to have people come just sit with me. What would we do? Would I have to entertain them? However, as the days and nights went by, and Chris could not always be with me, I accepted the idea. Now, as I look back, I am so thankful for these people, who left their lives to come and help me stay in mine. My sister Liza took Sunday nights, and I would watch Extreme Homemakeover with her family, bundled in a blanket on her sofa. So comforting. My friend Susan would take Wednesdays. I always looked forward to hearing her sweet voice as she came in my mud room door. We wouldn’t do anything in particular, but I made it through another night. I love her for that. There were, of course, so many more friends and family members who held my hands and encouraged me to live, to be present again. I cannot leave out my mom, who slept in the chair next to me at the hospital when I experienced complications after the surgery to remove Benjamin’s body from my own. Thank you, mom, for crying those tears with me. I am so thankful for every single person who prayed a prayer, who brought me food, who whispered comfort to me, and who came to “sit” with me in my pain. Thank you. I am in my life because of you. You are indeed the hands and feet of Jesus. May we be that for Jack and Gerri now.