Dripping in Diamonds

When I awoke this morning, the woods outside my kitchen window were sparkling, as if they had been showered in diamonds. My heart began to race. It’s been over a week now since I sent both of my camera bodies away to be repaired. After a solid year of shooting every day, I felt like I was in a drought. A kind friend loaned me a camera this week but when I picked it up, the battery was dead. While rummaging through my camera box  for another battery, I found my old Canon Rebel XT. A sight for sore eyes. I picked it up and it fit into my hand, like an old friend. I slipped on my green rain boots, neglecting to change out of my plaid flannel pajamas. I was a sight I am sure, purple and pink plaid with tall lime green boots, practically sprinting into the woods.

I knelt down trembling, hovering over the dewy earth. This was a visual feast, and I had been given a seat at the table. It was if God  himself was extending a personal invitation to me. “Come, eat.”  Hmmm, yes.

The morning sun met yesterday’s rain, still clinging to webs and blades of green. With my knees cold and wet, the briars tugging at my clothes and hair, I remembered. This is where it all began for me. This is where I first felt my heart beating nearly out of my chest. This is where I marveled at the glory, the detail, the splendor, in a whole new way. Every artist knows it well. That moment when you know you have to be part of something or you just might die. I knew then that I wanted to be part of capturing the glory. I wanted to put it in my pocket, saving it to show others and bring them along. “Look at this!” I want to say to everyone I meet. “Look at what creator God can do.” He spills out diamonds after the rain so we can remember that hope is always a morning away.

New Mercies Gleaming

I sympathize with David, who danced in his ephod in front of everyone. He had to worship, discarding anything that might hold him back. His own wife thought he was mad. I wonder if I am too sometimes. Walking around the woods in my pajamas and rain boots is not a new thing for me. (okay, I do it a lot)  I often forget myself when I see the beauty through my lens. It is worship for me as well. I see the attributes of God through creation, and hear his voice when I am in this place of awe. I am also humbled by creation which often worships him much more appropriately than I do. Everywhere I look, I see nature pointing back toward him. This earth knows its maker, and longs for all to be made new. Flowers, trees, grass, they all strain upward into his light and warmth. I feel this resonating in me as I walk, crawl and climb to catch a glimpse of his glory through my lens. I too long to gather his robe in my hands, to see his glory passing by.

I do not think it is a coincidence that I found my XT today, a camera I previously would have thought useless to me. I see God’s provision more clearly now through simplicity, after going without my bigger cameras for awhile. I don’t always have to have everything I think I need. God alone is my source, and I am incredibly grateful that He reminded me of that today when He took me back to the beginning.

Psalm 136:4-9 ~ “Thank the miracle-working God, His love never quits. The God whose skill formed the cosmos, His love never quits. The God who laid out earth on ocean foundations, His love never quits. The God who filled the skies with light, His love never quits. The sun to watch over the day, His love never quits. Moon and stars as guardians of the night, His love never quits. ” (Message Version)

Hope Gathers

Cupping Mercy

Refreshment

Colors and Intricacy

Working Her Magic

Pearls Suspended

In Worship

Sparkling Evergreen

Peaceful Surrender

Dancing

Seems we are always in a rush to see the next season come in, but summer is the one we savor the most.  We never really want to see it go. I will miss you summer of 2010, with your sweet family memories, our trip to Colorado,  a house full of children, warm mornings on the porch, colorful zinnias, and juicy summer peaches. How could I list all of your best moments? I am sad to see you go.

Until we meet again, I will hold you in my heart.

When I was a little girl I used to sit in mud puddles. Ask my mom. Yeah, and I would eat ants too, but that’s another story. I have just always been a down to earth girl. Literally. Sometimes I feel most comfortable sitting in the dirt, feeling the warmth and texture of the earth and elements. I believe that is where the phrase comes from about “feeling grounded”.  But, perhaps I wax too philosophical.

I just know that when things get to crazy, sometimes I just have to go outside and sit amongst the flowers, or in a mud puddle. This is precisely what I did in the above picture. Me, at 44, sitting in a mud puddle, while peace infiltrated my being, like the water rushing into my Chuck Taylors. It had been a hard week, and I rushed outside like I often do, seeking God and sanity. It just rained and I felt drawn to the reflections of the setting sun in the fresh puddles. Before I knew it I plopped right down in one.  I felt like a little girl again, and God was near. The warmth of the pavement mixed with fresh rain felt soothing under my hands.

Before I knew it I was lying on my stomach, trying to capture the shot of the sunset reflected in the water. I laughed out loud at myself wondering what my mom would say.

Amazing the perspective you can gain from a mud puddle.

The past month has been difficult for me on many levels. I have been involved in a new project that has stretched me far beyond anything I have ever done before. Stress and performance can do odd things to a person. I have tried so hard not to, but day by day, I have felt myself closing up on the inside. Afraid of failure, and unsure of what to do in this difficult new territory, I have inch by inch watched my spirit and soul get tangled up like a rubber band ball. Not only is this entirely unhelpful for me as a person,wife, friend, mom, and child of God, but it has shut me down creatively as well.

“Unfurl me”, I begged God, digging my heels in, but to no avail.  Hard to hear someone speak when you have your hands clasped over your head and ears. Hard to breathe when you are holding your breath. I so wanted to please Him, to please my client, to please my family. Please. A polite but violent word when it is all you are doing. Pleasing.

Yesterday, I had to get out. To watch the sunset. I have seen them, the little puffs that form on the end of the long fescue grass. They capture and hold sunsets, if only briefly, every evening at dusk. With my macro lens in hand, I set out to capture those that capture glory. Don’t we all want to hold it a little while? I found them, and I could feel it happening. Worship. Worship of my God, and then gratitude. Gratitude that He never changes. He will always breathe rays of sunshine into puffs of fescue. He will always blow kisses into my heart. My heart bowed and worshiped my King, and I opened. Pouring out praises to Him as I pressed my shutter button, tears rolled and the rubber band loosened.

I should know these things. That He is always God. That His glory opens my heart. That worship helps me get my perspective again. He is God, and today I know that. I only pray He helps me again with every tomorrow He gives me.

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.”  ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

Mondays are hard for me. They have been for sometime now.  With our family being so involved in ministry at church on Sundays, it seems we never really get a rest before we head right back into another week. Sometimes I feel so down I have to find ways to rest and tell myself it is okay.  Today, in search of a reprieve from the tension, I walked outside and found this ladybug emerging from her larval stage, or cocoon. I have never seen this before. I went inside and got my macro lens, and for the next several minutes watched her struggle to be free of her previous state. I knew I could not help her or I would somehow hinder the process, and possibly injure her.

As she struggled, I thought about my own life and how I am always in the process of becoming someone better, someone more free, someone more alive. At least that is my hope. It has been a hard but life changing year for me. I sent a daughter to Spain, and another one to Africa. I am learning to let go of and give my children to God. I began to discover my own heart for the first time in many ways, including some of the following:

• I love colors I didn’t know I loved! (I painted my kitchen red and my bedroom a spicy orange).
• I like being organized and will accept help in getting more that way.
• I want and now have canvases of my own family on my walls.
• I LOVE shoes!
• I realized that I need laughter, hot tea, good coffee, (Chris bought me a french press for mother’s day!), and to read books just because.
• I have learned to say no to things that kill my soul, like taking every job that is offered to me, and processing for hours every night.
• I need friendships and am willing to build them.
• I love and need to dance as much as possible.
• I can’t help but fall in love with the beautiful light I see clinging to the profiles of my children as the day progresses into night.
• I am married to the man God made just for me.

That is just a sample of my year and what I am learning about my own heart. It is a good journey, and worth the struggle.

As you can see in the second picture, there was a moment when she looked right into my lens. She looked panicked. She couldn’t see what I could see, and that is the myriad of empty cocoons on the leaves around her of those who had successfully made the journey, and that she was made for this.  And so am I.  Reminds me of Sara Groves’ song “From This One Place”

Here are the words to the chorus:

From this one place I can’t see very far

From this one moment I’m square in the dark.

These are the things I will trust in my heart. You can see something else. Something else.

Enjoy your Monday!

]]> http://www.maryannemorganblog.com/musings/this-is-going-to-take-awhile/feed/ 7 http://www.maryannemorganblog.com/musings/a-cup-of-violets/ http://www.maryannemorganblog.com/musings/a-cup-of-violets/#comments Wed, 31 Mar 2010 03:14:01 +0000 maryanne http://www.maryannemorganblog.com/?p=1699 Tweet

Another busy week in my world. Most of it spent at the computer, quoting jobs and processing photos. Then, out of nowhere, comes today. Sunshine and flowers everywhere. It was like a dear friend coming up from behind and putting their hands over my eyes, saying “guess who?”. Spring, that’s who. The cherry trees are in full bloom, the sky is a bit more blue, and the sheep have little lambs in the pasture next door. Then, there are the violets. I love violets, even though they tend to grow where I don’t want them. They remind me of my childhood and every Spring from then on. When Johnny and I came home from lunch, I saw them. The ground was covered in them. I had several things to do, but knew instinctively they would all have to wait. So, I played all afternoon. In the violets.
It was like playing hooky on a school day. I picked them, arranged them in beautiful china cups and gazed at them through my different lenses. Guess who? Spring, that’s who. Welcome home sweet friend. Here are some images from the day. I found some other sweet visitors as well.

We don’t get much snow here in Georgia. Last year we got one day’s worth, and it was so magical. I felt like a little girl on that day. Then, as if someone shook the etch a sketch, it was all gone the very next day. We have had some false alarms this year, so when the weather man said it would snow on Friday, I was more than a little cynical (mostly because I wanted it so badly). However, much to my surprise, we got a great snowfall, and enough to play in too. It was a wonderful Valentine weekend surprise.

I took some photos while it was snowing on Friday afternoon, and then again Saturday morning when the sky was cerulean blue. I found my heart overwhelmed by the dramatic scenery. I asked God to help me to capture it if possible, but more than that, to breathe it in and enjoy it. I have often felt jealous of other photographers who get to travel and photograph beautiful scenery in faraway places. To quote photography icon and author Joe McNally from his book The Moment it Clicks,  ” If you want to be a better photographer, stand in front of more interesting stuff “. I love that quote. The bottom line is that capturing God’s creation is at the center of my joy in photography, and I want to see more!

However, I felt thankful Saturday morning as I walked in the glory, that I had not (up until this present time) been a world traveler. I found my heart could not contain the splendor I found in my own backyard. I felt so small and incompetent as I fumbled through my bag, disapproving of each of my lens choices as soon as I placed them on the camera body.   It was a humbling experience, as I once again offered up my heart, and my camera to God,  and I laid down my need to perform for the approval of others. That is something we artists have to do on a daily, or even hourly basis. Anyway, this is what came of my time in the glory. Thankful for my own piece of  ”faraway” that God gave me this weekend just out my back door.

The month of February is upon us again.  I have often found it to be the dreariest month of the year. So much rain, so much cold. Even now as I write, the wind is howling at my windows, and I am forced to bundle up as I sit at my kitchen table. We have already endured one of the coldest Januaries on record for Georgia,(we are a bit wimpy when it comes to freezing temperatures), and we still have February and March to go. My heart sinks at the thought. I am not a winter fan. Days tend to drag on and I feel sluggish and really kind of useless.

It has been on my mind a lot lately, how I wish this season would just pass and be done already. As I wished for spring’s warmth, I felt a slight correction in my spirit  to just “let winter be winter”. I wasn’t sure what that meant.  I felt it when I passed by the weeping cherry tree on my way back from the barn last week, and saw it’s bony branches dragging against the unforgiving ground. It looked like a true picture of grief, with it’s limbs swaying back and forth like one in profound mourning. The symbolism struck me deeply. “Let winter be winter”. There is so much that happens when the earth is cold and still. There is rest, there is a true rekindling, and there is death. However, it is not an unfruitful or purposeless death.  I am reminded of the scripture in John 12 where Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, that unless at kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”   That same tree in the spring will be larger than it was the season before, because of winter.

As much as I protest, like a child refusing her afternoon nap, I need winter. I would absolutely burn myself out without it. I need time to be still. I need to be made to read books in quiet fire lit places, and blog on afternoons like this when it is way too cold to even go outside , much less photograph a family. I need to take naps and drink tea, and make dinner for my husband when he comes home from a long day. I need to pray, and listen to my God.

As I mused on these things one frosty morning last week, I set out with my camera and tried to capture some winter beauty. Winter light really is quite beautiful, as is the frost on the delicate leaves in the morning. I hope you enjoy these winter images. And, I hope you appreciate your winter.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 ” There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:”

It rained here all day on Tuesday. I mean rained. It was a down kind of day and I felt in a fog myself, so blah and numb in my spirit. I worked processing  photos all day and went to bed just tired to my core. When I awoke yesterday, it was as if someone had turned on a light switch. I walked outside as the sun was just coming through the trees and could hear the previous day’s rain dripping from the trees. It was like grief was dripping off the leaves to reveal the brilliance of light and hope. There is something so magical that happens when water and light meet.  I immediately put on my boots, grabbed my camera and two lenses, and headed down to the back pasture. It was like coming home. This is how I  spent so many of my mornings in my early journey with photography, talking to God and capturing His glory, as best I could, with my camera. I could feel my spirit breathing and my heart enlarging as I talked with my Creator, telling Him how much I loved  the goodness of His creation. He is so unique in how He does things. Amazing how many minute details show up early in the morning as the dew is still clinging to them. Even the little spider webs were visible. Our God is such a God of details.

Yeah, like coming home. It reminds me of this scripture ” weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” ~Psalm 30:5

I hope you enjoy the bits of glory that I was able to capture~

I am in love with bokeh. For non photogs, that is the beautiful blur of colors and circles you get in the background when you shoot with a shallow depth of field. It makes me feel giddy when I see it in my own work, and somewhat jealous when I see it in other people’s work. Like all beautiful bokeh should somehow be mine. Yes, give me a serving of colorful bokeh and a dash of sun flare in my photos and I am happy girl. Recently, I took the plunge and purchased the incredible Canon 50mm 1.2. L lens. The very day I got it I had a senior photo shoot. I was so excited to take it along to see what magic we would find. Not halfway through my shoot,  I reached for it from my sweet assistant ( Johnny) and somehow it tumbled onto the rocks. Busted. My heart stopped. Well, what do you do in those situations? I reached for my other lens, and put that one back in my bag. We ended up having a great shoot, but in the back of my mind I knew I had to get that lens repaired and wondered what that would entail.

Well, it’s home now, and is snuggling up nicely with my new Canon 5D mark ll. I couldn’t be happier. I have been dreaming of this set up for about a year now, stalking blog’s like Jenny Sun’s who always shoots wide open and gets more lovely bokeh and warm sun flare than I could ever imagine getting! Of course, it takes more than the right gear to get these desired effects. Jenny is extremely gifted and generous with her talent. You should check her out!

Getting this set up reminds me of a story from my childhood though. When I was about five, I remembering trying and trying to learn to ride my siblings hand-me-down bike.  It was old and wobbly. I just couldn’t get it! When I my parents finally purchased a new one, it felt like I was born to ride a bike as I soared down the street with no problems. Sometimes you just need the right equipment. Not always, but sometimes. I am so happy with my new lends and camera. Here are a few pics I have taken in the past couple days since I got it home from Canon. Yay, just yay!