Archive for 'Musings'
Weary
Posted on 28. May, 2010 by maryanne.
To say that it has been a rough week seems ridiculous to me. Words like “rough” or “difficult” pale in comparison to the grief and pain we have witnessed and felt in this past 10 days.
Twelve days ago I saw a status update by chance on Facebook that our dear friends who were in Maine on vacation needed prayer as their 18 year old daughter was missing while on a kayaking trip with a friend. I don’t check Facebook that often these days, but I was so glad I did. We immediately started to pray and make phone calls to get more details. It was not good. Irina McEntee and Carissa Ireland had left that Sunday afternoon (May 16th) for a short afternoon kayak/adventure to a nearby island and were supposed to return several hours later. Irina was a trained kayaker and had done this very trip so many times. When they did not come home as planned, Irina’s parents called the coastguard. After searching all night, they found the girls the next morning, still in their life jackets several miles from their original destination. They could not be resuscitated. The agony of hearing the news trickling in over those hours was so difficult to bear. We hoped and prayed until we heard the final the reports, still unwilling to believe. I could not speak for hours, and still find it hard to put words to my feelings. My kids were also in shock.
What makes this story even more unbearable is that Irina’s brother Oleg,16, died in a tragic accident just the spring before. How much can these parents endure? My heart has been overrun with shock and pain and just the weight that grief brings, especially over the loss of a child. No one can make sense of it, so we will not try. We will love, though. We will love and be present for our friends. We will pray through the hours of the night. We will carry their burdens as our own. It is our honor.
The photo above was taken after Irina’s Life Celebration Service. That is what her parents called it, and that is what it was. Several came to Christ at her service as they gave an invitation at the conclusion of it. She loved her Jesus, and that was apparent in her life and in her death, as many spoke of this young woman’s quiet conviction to follow God, and her beautiful and bright smile.
My daughter Annie had the honor of speaking at the service, and I would like to include an excerpt here of her beautiful words:
“Images keep coming back to me—the coast in front of the Peaks Island house, grey water crashing into grey rocks, and the green of summer filling up the islands. Irina in long shorts and a red t-shirt, greeting the ocean with wide-thrust arms. Walking the shores in bare feet, she and my brother and Oleg leaping ahead of me to collect the wildly bright orange and yellow buoys that lobstermen had lost. It seems like a dream now—now that she and Oleg are both gone. I can’t get my head around it. I keep seeing her face cracking into that familiar bright smile in my mind—the smile that was like watching the sun leap up over the horizon at dawn—nothing at first, and then a burst of light.
And that was Irina, that was the way her life became.
I remember telling her more than once that God adored her—that you could see it all over her, almost glowing. To me, it always seemed so clear that he had pulled her from a very dark place to show her His love, to give her a life brimming with it. Hers, more than anyone I have ever known, is the story of redemption, of God’s heart for us.”
Her words sank deeply into our minds as we saw Irina through Annie’s eyes, and through God’s.
I twittered my grief often this week.
here are a few of my own thoughts written in fragments as I could not say much more:
~Heart broken May 17th
~One of the hardest and saddest days for so many today. The McEntees will need much prayer as the days continue. May 17th
~pictures from Maine on my screen saver today. Makes the sadness deeper. Not fair how life just treks on in the face of tragedy. May 18th
~tragedy makes me feel so small, and yet I sense the largeness of my God. He is near, and the protector of the broken-hearted May 21st
~ It’s okay to ask why. Even Jesus asked why when He was on the Cross. May 22
~Loving and supporting friends in deep grief is such a great honor. May 22
~Hate this stage of grief. The numbness, the burden, the elusiveness of my own heart. May 22
~Wavering between numbness and deep sorrow. I prefer the sorrow. Numbness doesn’t help anyone. May 24
~It’s okay to cry, yes even imperative that we do. Those we love are worthy of our tears, the visible reminder that our hearts ache for them. May 26th
I posted my daughter Katie’s photograph above, because it symbolizes what grief feels like. So exhausting. She could not keep her eyes open after the service. We love our friends so much, and we know they are being carried by their Saviour, who knows Himself the burden and pain of grief. Even God knows what it is like to lose a child, and then, ( praise Him!) have that child returned to Him in resurrection. That is our hope, our lifeline.
So thankful now for the truth and life that we can find in His word:
“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13
“For the Lord is close the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit”~ Psalm 34:18
I cannot conclude this entry without a few more thoughts, although I know it is already quite lengthy.
Nearly five years ago on October 26th, 2005 I lost a child of my own. He was still in my womb and I was 16 weeks pregnant. We named him Benjamin David Morgan.
I will never forget the tragedy of that day or that season, and I will never forget him, as I already loved him dearly, like only a mother (or father) can. Even as I write these words, my heart feels compressed, still needing air and healing in those painful places. I bring this up for a couple reasons. First of all, to be transparent about my own journey, so that I can live my life fully alive. Secondly, as I experienced life with the McEntees this week, I remembered parts of my own journey that were so important for my healing.
After the loss of my child, I went through some depression, and was afraid to be alone. My sweet Chris helped me set up a schedule with people I loved and trusted to come and “sit” with me. When our counselor first suggested it, I was appalled. I felt embarrassed at the thought of having to have people come just sit with me. What would we do? Would I have to entertain them? However, as the days and nights went by, and Chris could not always be with me, I accepted the idea. Now, as I look back, I am so thankful for these people, who left their lives to come and help me stay in mine. My sister Liza took Sunday nights, and I would watch Extreme Homemakeover with her family, bundled in a blanket on her sofa. So comforting. My friend Susan would take Wednesdays. I always looked forward to hearing her sweet voice as she came in my mud room door. We wouldn’t do anything in particular, but I made it through another night. I love her for that. There were, of course, so many more friends and family members who held my hands and encouraged me to live, to be present again. I cannot leave out my mom, who slept in the chair next to me at the hospital when I experienced complications after the surgery to remove Benjamin’s body from my own. Thank you, mom, for crying those tears with me. I am so thankful for every single person who prayed a prayer, who brought me food, who whispered comfort to me, and who came to “sit” with me in my pain. Thank you. I am in my life because of you. You are indeed the hands and feet of Jesus. May we be that for Jack and Gerri now.
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This may take awhile…
Posted on 10. May, 2010 by maryanne.
Mondays are hard for me. They have been for sometime now. With our family being so involved in ministry at church on Sundays, it seems we never really get a rest before we head right back into another week. Sometimes I feel so down I have to find ways to rest and tell myself it is okay. Today, in search of a reprieve from the tension, I walked outside and found this ladybug emerging from her larval stage, or cocoon. I have never seen this before. I went inside and got my macro lens, and for the next several minutes watched her struggle to be free of her previous state. I knew I could not help her or I would somehow hinder the process, and possibly injure her.
As she struggled, I thought about my own life and how I am always in the process of becoming someone better, someone more free, someone more alive. At least that is my hope. It has been a hard but life changing year for me. I sent a daughter to Spain, and another one to Africa. I am learning to let go of and give my children to God. I began to discover my own heart for the first time in many ways, including some of the following:
- I love colors I didn’t know I loved! (I painted my kitchen red and my bedroom a spicy orange).
- I like being organized and will accept help in getting more that way.
- I want and now have canvases of my own family on my walls.
- I LOVE shoes!
- I realized that I need laughter, hot tea, good coffee, (Chris bought me a french press for mother’s day!), and to read books just because.
- I have learned to say no to things that kill my soul, like taking every job that is offered to me, and processing for hours every night.
- I need friendships and am willing to build them.
- I love and need to dance as much as possible.
- I can’t help but fall in love with the beautiful light I see clinging to the profiles of my children as the day progresses into night.
- I am married to the man God made just for me.
That is just a sample of my year and what I am learning about my own heart. It is a good journey, and worth the struggle.
As you can see in the second picture, there was a moment when she looked right into my lens. She looked panicked. She couldn’t see what I could see, and that is the myriad of empty cocoons on the leaves around her of those who had successfully made the journey, and that she was made for this. And so am I. Reminds me of Sara Groves’ song “From This One Place”
Here are the words to the chorus:
From this one place I can’t see very far
From this one moment I’m square in the dark.
These are the things I will trust in my heart. You can see something else. Something else.
Enjoy your Monday!
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Bad Eggs
Posted on 05. May, 2010 by maryanne.
Recently I found nearly two cartons of eggs in my refrigerator that were past their expiration date. After having stomach issues with bad bacteria, I don’t play around with the possibility of bad food, as much as it pains my husband to throw food away. I told Katie we were going to throw them out and left the kitchen. When I returned a few moments later, she had a sharpie out, labeling them. She was marking them with the things she wanted to throw out of her life. I loved the idea and joined her. Soon after, Chris joined in the activity. Frankly, there weren’t enough eggs to symbolize all of these undesirables, but we hit the highlights including: fear, guilt, condemnation, anxiety and pain. You know, the big ones. Then we took them out back and threw them into the woods, listening for a splat as they hit the trees. (Many of mine were duds, as I am not much of an athlete).
I loved this activity. We all have things we don’t want in our lives, and every day we endeavor to “work out our salvation” (Philippians 2:12 NIV) as we allow God to redeem and heal the difficult places in our hearts. Knowing God does not mean that our lives are instantly transformed into pure bliss. It does mean that we do not have to go it alone, as we have an advocate in the creator of all things to partner with us. He heals and makes all things new as He walks with us and fills us with Himself. It is a process. Sometimes just knowing that makes life doable. We are in process, but in the hands of our Maker. ” Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who made us, and not we ourselves”.( Psalm 100:3 NAS). That takes the pressure off.
I think He stood there with us as we threw those bad eggs into the darkness. He may have thrown a few Himself. Pretty sure His made a splat.
Guess I need to go to the store now…
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Favorite Photo of the week 3
Posted on 03. May, 2010 by maryanne.
I am trying to continue my favorite photo of the week, in spite of the busyness of late. I came across this photo today that I took two summers ago on Peak’s Island in Maine. Our dear friends have a house there, and we have the relished the community we have found with them while on that beautiful and idyllic island. I took this while walking one morning. This photo describes the pace on Peaks so well. Everyone works at a slow pace, and doesn’t seem to mind hanging their underwear out on the line to dry, even if it is just out back on the main road through town. I love that. May we all be so free and transparent. Here’s to summer, friendship, Peaks Island, and letting it all hang out!
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Favorite photo of the week 2
Posted on 20. Apr, 2010 by maryanne.
I love this photo of my Annie. She will be twenty this week. Although this photo was just taken last year atop our horse Jackie, you can still see the little girl in her. My little girl. The little girl that loves to come home and ride horses, sit and read on the porch swing, dance in the kitchen and make me laugh. Annie. Only one.
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A cup of violets
Posted on 30. Mar, 2010 by maryanne.
Another busy week in my world. Most of it spent at the computer, quoting jobs and processing photos. Then, out of nowhere, comes today. Sunshine and flowers everywhere. It was like a dear friend coming up from behind and putting their hands over my eyes, saying “guess who?”. Spring, that’s who. The cherry trees are in full bloom, the sky is a bit more blue, and the sheep have little lambs in the pasture next door. Then, there are the violets. I love violets, even though they tend to grow where I don’t want them. They remind me of my childhood and every Spring from then on. When Johnny and I came home from lunch, I saw them. The ground was covered in them. I had several things to do, but knew instinctively they would all have to wait. So, I played all afternoon. In the violets.
It was like playing hooky on a school day. I picked them, arranged them in beautiful china cups and gazed at them through my different lenses. Guess who? Spring, that’s who. Welcome home sweet friend. Here are some images from the day. I found some other sweet visitors as well.
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Creating a Place of Rest
Posted on 17. Mar, 2010 by maryanne.
My own words rang in my ears after I answered the somewhat obtuse saleswoman in Macy’s this evening. She had asked if she could help me with anything. I had been standing hypnotically in the bedding section comparing the colors in the image on my iphone with the colors on the various quilts and comforters. I awoke out of my trance and quickly answered, ” I am just looking for a comforter”, and reached again for my iphone to show her the image. She, however, had ignored me and moved on to other things. I really was seeking help, but she was apparently just reciting the line she must say hundreds of times a day, not really expecting to have someone need her. The space in time and the silence that followed allowed me to ponder my answer. ” I am just looking for a comforter”. I laughed out loud. Not “ha ha” funny. Ironic funny. I was looking for a comforter. I was looking for comfort. She had been no comfort at all.
This has been a very hard week for me for various reasons, and I found myself wandering around looking for the perfect bed covering for my bedroom. I have been doing this for months. Piece by piece, (remember the jewelry endeavor?) I am trying to create a place of order and solace in my bedroom, and eventually, my home. I want it to be a sanctuary where I can rest, journal, seek God, read, and just be with my husband.(oh, and dance!) A place of peace and safety.
I actually started the process several months ago by taking everything down from the walls. The only thing I have up is a canvas above my bed of the image above. It looks like a window above our bed with an eternal scene from autumn outside. I love the colors in that canvas. I call the image “Fall Kaleidoscope”. It is my work and it brings me joy and peace to have it there. Now, for the rest of the room. I don’t know where to start, whether it be a beautiful comforter or the wall color. (I would love suggestions!) SO many colors!
Still seeking comfort in my surroundings, in my soul, and in my spirit. I am reminded of a Scripture from Psalm 62 while I pursue this journey:
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him”. May it be so.
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We did it :)
Posted on 08. Mar, 2010 by maryanne.
There has been so much going on in my world just in the past week, but I would be negligent if I did not blog the result of ”Operation Jewelry Organization”. My fabulous mom came out last week and we spent four hours taking a mass of necklaces, earrings, rings, pins, bracelets and anklets and putting them all in their proper place. The results are fabulous! I not only thoroughly enjoyed spending quality time with my mom, but I got the benefit of having a clean and clear dresser top. I can now freely pass by it without hearing mean comments about myself, and I even hear an audible sigh of relief every now and then. I promised myself when she came out that I would ONLY focus on the jewelry that day. I am glad I did. One step at a time. (I am pretty sure my closet is next).
Mom and I spent time reminiscing about old pieces and laughing about pieces I have kept just for sentimental reasons, all the while both agreeing that they were, mmm, how should I say? Unsightly. “Um,” she would say every now and then,” I think I would throw that away”. And we both would laugh out loud. So cleansing to have your mom’s approval to throw something away! It was good on so many levels. We ended up with a pretty good size bag of things to take to the jewelry swap at her church as well.
I am truly beginning to see that organizing your world around you is a way to love yourself. I cannot explain that fully, and those that are already organized are probably nodding their heads in agreement. Those of us that struggle in this area often feel defeated. I am so thankful for my mom who was willing to the time to help me, while putting aside all judgement or critical statements. I feel loved every time I walk past my dresser now. I can now display the things that matter to me most, like the anniversary heart Chris gave me. Thanks mom. 
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Organization… (sigh)
Posted on 24. Feb, 2010 by maryanne.
No, I didn’t find a treasure chest buried on my farm, even though this looks like the classic pirate’s booty you see in adventure movies. This.. is my dresser top. Okay, before you start making all kinds of rash (but probably true) judgements about me and my lack of orderliness, just know that it doesn’t always look this bad.
You see, my dresser top is a source of contention for me, every day. Every day of my life, I walk past that dresser top with things strewn everywhere. Usually it is the jewelry items I have worn in the past week (or month), my camera, picture frames that I hate but still keep, a spool of thread and a needle for mending buttons, important receipts, props from my last shoot, and dust, oh the dust. My heart cringes every time I see it, no matter what form it is in, and I think a few not-so-nice things about myself and go on with my day, feeling defeated before I have even started. Organization is my weakest character quality, and it is especially hard when I grew up with a super organized mother and sister. My artistic flair took me in other directions, and most of my life, I have dreaded even trying for fear of failure.
So, last night, I took every single item out of my jewelry box and drawers and decided to start there. I don’t think I have thrown one item of jewelry away since I was a little girl. It was actually a very nostalgic experience looking at things that were my mother’s or grandmother’s. It was also a little like Christmas seeing things I had packed away (for lack of knowing what to do with them), that I had forgotten I had. About two hours later, ( yes, two hours) this is what I had for a dresser top.
It was actually worse than this, but this is as vulnerable as I can get right now, okay? Immediately I did what any normal girl would do. I called my mother. “I need your help” I pleaded. Before I got two sentences in, she had devised a plan and a day to implement it. That’s my wonderful mom to the rescue! “Just leave it all on top like that”, she said, ” and we will have a fun day putting it all where it is supposed to go”. She even had a plan for the unwanted pieces with a church swap that is coming up for the ladies.
I will let you know how it goes! I think this is the beginning of a whole new world for me. Starting with my dresser top.
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A Piece of Faraway
Posted on 16. Feb, 2010 by maryanne.
We don’t get much snow here in Georgia. Last year we got one day’s worth, and it was so magical. I felt like a little girl on that day. Then, as if someone shook the etch a sketch, it was all gone the very next day. We have had some false alarms this year, so when the weather man said it would snow on Friday, I was more than a little cynical (mostly because I wanted it so badly). However, much to my surprise, we got a great snowfall, and enough to play in too. It was a wonderful Valentine weekend surprise.
I took some photos while it was snowing on Friday afternoon, and then again Saturday morning when the sky was cerulean blue. I found my heart overwhelmed by the dramatic scenery. I asked God to help me to capture it if possible, but more than that, to breathe it in and enjoy it. I have often felt jealous of other photographers who get to travel and photograph beautiful scenery in faraway places. To quote photography icon and author Joe McNally from his book The Moment it Clicks, ” If you want to be a better photographer, stand in front of more interesting stuff “. I love that quote. The bottom line is that capturing God’s creation is at the center of my joy in photography, and I want to see more!
However, I felt thankful Saturday morning as I walked in the glory, that I had not (up until this present time) been a world traveler. I found my heart could not contain the splendor I found in my own backyard. I felt so small and incompetent as I fumbled through my bag, disapproving of each of my lens choices as soon as I placed them on the camera body. It was a humbling experience, as I once again offered up my heart, and my camera to God, and I laid down my need to perform for the approval of others. That is something we artists have to do on a daily, or even hourly basis. Anyway, this is what came of my time in the glory. Thankful for my own piece of ”faraway” that God gave me this weekend just out my back door.
