Day 3 Open

I have been praying for some time now for God to open me again- all of me. I have been closed tight since my Mama died October a year ago. My heart squeezes hard just to write those words.

I never really meant to close up. I tried hard to stand in the way of those great doors as they clicked shut, but who can really understand the heart? Also, I was already on the journey to come off benzodiazepines when she died, and I continued until I finished. This resulted in a crazy chaos in my mind and body that was just too overwhelming to endure with an open heart.

But here I am in the first week of 2017 with a fresh 365 project going, and I am asking my Father to open me again.

Tonight as I walked into the mall, the giant Christmas tree glowed like a beacon in the darkness. I felt the pain again. I wanted just a little more Christmas. I wanted to feel the magic. I wanted more colorful lights and more laughter around the tree.

I wanted my Mama.

There was a woman in a restaurant in the courtyard with a sparkly hat. She was laughing and talking with what looked to be her daughter. I felt the longing as I watched them converse with ease. I wanted to go into that restaurant and snuggle up beside her. I wanted to catch the sweet scent of her powdery perfume and hold her hand. I wanted to say, “Hey I love you, lady with the sparkly hat.”

I knew the pain I felt was the beginning of my prayers being answered. I had asked for an opening and pain was the first to walk through. I have prayed for God to wash over my mind and spirit with his Holy Spirit- awakening all the places that have gone to sleep.

I don’t care if it hurts. I just care that I care.

So tonight, I am asking for a little more Christmas. Let us not rush too hard into paying bills and making appointments. Can we linger a little longer here by the tree? I wasn’t quite done basking in the bokeh.

Let us be open even though it hurts, so that the King of Glory may come in.

Psalm 30 11,12 ~”You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”

Psalm 24:7 ~”Lift up your heads, you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.”